WELCOME TO LONDON

If you are a JJC in London then this post is for you, or probably you are about to board your flight, please quickly read this before you switch off your phone o. O ma se e lanfani.

I am giving out these tips free of charge as part of my service to humanity.

If you are a JJC in London, the winter period is not the right time for you to misbehave in the house where you are squatting if you don't want to end up sleeping in the park.

Look, the person squatting you is not happy doing so and this season is notoriously known as the time when people get kicked out. A season when wives kick out their husbands. A season when every little mistake is a big deal.

Therefore, this is a period to be mindful of the following things in the home where you are squatting.

- Avoid every unnecessary arguements. The home owner is always right ( not only the customer)

- Don't leave the lights on. Ina lo ma ndun ara London ju o.

- Don't use the shower. Use a bucket- dont overuse water lo n je be.

- Wash the bath and wipe everywhere clean. Don't overuse the cleaning detergents. Won ti won o.

- Don't forget to flush the toilet. Don't overflush.

- Listen to music with headphones only.

- If you are cold don't request for the heater to be put on. Wear more clothes.

- If you are wearing more than 2 layers of clothes becos of cold, please don't come to the living room if they have a visitor. They'll be too embarrassed to introduce a semi-mad person as a co-tenant or relative.

- Don't cook and allow the smoke to trigger off the fire alarm talkless of burning food.

-Ofcourse you are not expected to have your own key to come into the house so you have to knock. I beg you in the name of the almighty God, please knock gently. Well, it smacks of arrogance to stand in front of the door and call with your phone for them to open the door for you. Won a so wipe o ti ngberaga ni o. Anyway you sef no go wan waste you Lebara mobile top-up ontop dat kain call.

- If you are sitting in the living room please don't put your feet on the sofa. Well i'll advise you to completely avoid sitting on the sofa because you see it is very difficult to analyse what portion of your leg should or should not be on the sofa. So pls always sit on the floor.

- Please don't complain if you don't like the programme they are watching on the TV. Watch it like that or simply excuse yourself quietly without making any noise or sound relating to a hiss. If they ask you why you are leaving just don't mention that it's because of the channel. Find somethingelse talk o.

- Stay away from the washing machine. It's not for you!!! STAY AWAY O!!!

- Stay away from their milk and fruit juice in the fridge. Drink water only.

- If they have kids- be extra nice to the kids. If the pikins are rude to you just smile o no report them to dem mama. NO BEAT THEM O! NO BEAT THEM O!!!!

- You have no right whatsoever so don't claim any.

- Finally, IF YOU ARE NOT EXPECTING ANY VISITOR AND YOU HEAR A KNOCK ON THE DOOR, PLEASE DO NOT GO NEAR IT TALKLESS OF SAYING "WHO'S THERE?" ...STAY CLEAR! It could be those who have come to check wether you people have TV o. If dem enter, your own don peme o.

See, you only have to do these things for this terrible season of cold to pass ni o. If not, one day you go just reach house you go see say dem don help you pack everything you get put inside black bin bag for you outside the door. Na if you are lucky you go still meet am sef....council cleaners go don pack am put for their rubbish van....na double tragedy be dat o.

Na that time you go know say no brother for London.

Welcome to London.

(If you like this post don't thank me...just donate something to any charity to show your appreciation).