A P P E A R A N C E

So why would 2 persons who arrived at an event at the same time be treated differently by a stranger who was meeting them for the first time?

A P P E A R A N C E.

Don't you know that we are unconsciously teaching people how to treat us by the way we appear?
Appearance can be deceptive, no doubt, but it is the most commonly used factor in judging people.

Your appearance speaks before you even open your mouth to talk. And if it speaks poorly of you, it is almost certain that you'll loose your right to talk or be heard.

In 2006, i walked into the office of the station manager at Baker street station to sign off a key. As i got in, he walked up to me and shook my hands, complimented the jacket i was wearing, and asked how he can be of help? I told him i wanted the keys to the cleaners'changing room and he asked me with shock in his face what i needed it for? I told him that i work here as a station cleaner and i need to change. He said " oh my God! You don't fit that role you just mentioned to me". He took his time to have a little chat with me and at the end he gave me the keys and said "you don't belong in this environment".
What i find funny is that, it is in this same station that i have been rebuked severally by some of my colleages (especially the Ghanians) for "dressing too expensive".

I got my current job in 2007 by not saying a word at the interview. The guy who attended to me only said "i like the way you look and you start".
I know several people also have accounts of how their look (appearance) has locked/unlocked doors for them at some points of their lives.

You don't have to spend the worth of a house mortgage to look good. Whatever you buy, have these 3 things at the back of your mind:
- Good quality. Buy quality cry once. Buy cheap and you'll never stop crying.
- Fit. It does not matter how much you pay for the cloth, if it does not fit IT IS USELESS. Wear what compliments you, not what you think is in vogue.
- Suitable for the occassion. Every appointment or function has its dress code. So many people today wear costumes all in the name of following fashion trend. Leave stage clothes on the stage abeg.

I personally see spending to improve your appearance as a worthy investment which can open doors for you in high places.
Over the weekend i was discussion with a bro, who told me how he sets up meeting with his clients in posh venues, and even go extra mile to buy drinks or lunch. This tactic shoots up his value in the assesment of his clients and places him in good bargaining positions.
The environment where i work has taught me everything i need to know about the importance of appearance, carriage, and personality. If you score zero in any of these, it'll be a big struggle to get accepted in places that matters.

Looking good is not cheap so also are the favours it attracts to you.

I am the fest lady

- Mai dear can i sees the budget....how mush do you people donate to each and each?

- But why na? That's an Executive function and then the legislative needs to approve. Let them do their jobs...

- I am the fest lady. I am yer wife. Do you want to be hidings something from me in this govament?

- Can you tell the minsta of airport to close all flights tomorrow.

- But why na? The airspace belongs to everyone.

- I am the fest lady. I want to fly and i don't want any plane to hit my own.

- I want to siddon beside you when you are reading the speesh o

- But why na? That is only for the Presdent...

- I am the fest lady. Are you wants to be hide me now? You should be prouds of me.

- I want to build my own headquarters.

- Headquarters?! But why na...you know there is really no constitutional provision for the office of the wife of the presdent.

- I am the fest lady and i cannot be come here everydays to sit down and share your olfiz. It is now that you knows one constuzion after all the suffers i suffers for you?

Monster Hit

(No noise please. Studio in session)

It's yur boi A K I N...live in Ladafidi Studio.....
Ha ha ha.....yoyoyoyoyo-yeyeyeyeye
C'mon Engineer gbe soke...
Leggo

Shez got more curves than a race track
O tun m'oyinbo so bi court clerk
Wo b'aso se fit e bi condom
Standing higher than the rest lai wo platform.
Shez trully the definition of awesome.

(Coughs)

Gunner ni mi emi mo quality
Mo yato s'awon to nra liability
Omo j'omolo come prove yur ability
Elo lo fe gba, ma san fun e infinity

Yea...it's yur boi A K I N.....

Yor yor yor yor yor- ye ye ye ye ye...

Who says i can't write a moster track and blow 9ja hiphop industry? Lwkmd....

Find something better to worry about

For those of you worrying yourself over the River state of Assembly's issue, look over 1.8million youths join the labour market every year in Nigeria (quoting the financial minister, Okonjo Iweala)
I think that is worrisome!

Hear English wey that lawbreaker dey speak yesterday after his installation as the failed speaker? Is that the best person in the constituency where he came from?

No be dis same leaders say 16 is greater than 19?
No be dem talk say 5 is the 2/3 of 27?

ASUU dey strike pass thunder.
Office of the wife of the President is ruling the country.
The president dey tell us say make we no worry about Boko-something because they will go to hell as punishment for killing innocent children.
Most of these lawbreakers are EMPTY.

These are the type of things you get when fools are allowed to rule the wise. Everybody ma di foolishes (sic) ni.

The Pharaohs

Just meditating on this today:

Every Joseph needs a Pharaoh. Every Moses will face a Pharaoh.

As individuals, we could be both Joseph and Moses at different phases of our lives. It is very crucial we are able to recognise and differentiate between these two 'Pharaohs' because each one of them is to be dealt with differently.

One Pharaoh is a helper of destiny, the other is a destroyer of destiny. The failure to understand the season which you are in and the type of Pharaoh you are romancing with, will simply mean you are using the head of the cobra to scratch your nose.

The present value of women

Thanks to the musicians and club patrons for reducing the worth of women to mere (sexual) marketing tools.

You go see 2 guys and 7 girls for music video, na all the girls go dey naked dey shake their bumbum while the guys are properly dressed dey sing about dem derogatively.
The latest craze now is for artists to call female fans upstage to dance erotically.
(The last concert held by that idiot from Calabar recently in UK is the latest example that comes to mind. The lady that came up to dance BARED ALL).

For clubs, na free entry for girls, only guys dey pay. Dem dey use ladies do ipolowo oja. Club wey women no dey no dey get customers.
Se girls no understand wetin dem dey take dem do or wetin dem dey 'call' dem whenever dey hand them free entry leaflets to clubs?
How can guys be seeing things like these and still show you any respect? No wonder guys nowadays use ladies like tissue paper and throw them away.
Bo n'igba ba se pe igba ni won se ma ba na.

I wonder where all the 'woman' right activitists are? Instead of them to speak out on issue like this and enlighten these young ladies on how to maintain their dignity, dem dey where dem dey do meeting on how to get equal right with men at home, meanwhile the worth of women is dropping daily.

Well, a ti wo 'kukere' a de gbadun e.
A ti wo 'Gobe' (infact some cyber analysts sef talk say one of the babes no wear pata under the skin tight she was putting on) *smh
'Timaya' ati Wande coal and several others naa ti ko orisirisi....infact now e don reach level where nobody wan even watch video wey no get naked girls with XL yansh. Go youtube go see number of views on videos with good quality of music and educative lyrics compared to the noise and nakedness.

E ma jo lo o...eyin le nse yeye ara yin. Awa nfoju lounje ni.

Now i dey think, se na poverty or desire for fame cause am? How much these video vixens dey collect sef?

Yes....you wey dey ask say wetin be my own. I dey read your mind o. Yes i know say no be every woman go be like Funmilayo Kuti. No be every woman go be Mother Theresa. But before una crucify me, na just my thots i share o. I no stop anyone from doing wetin dem like. I just feel these are some of the reasons why ladies nowadays don't get the respect they deserve.

The sms

Guy: Hey babe am on my way now. Nothing can stop me from seeing you today my love. N O T H I N G!!!

Babe: Aww...that's so sweet. Am also expecting you...

Guy: You know i love you...

Babe: Are you serious? I love you too.
So which part are you now?

Guy: Few hours more to your place my love. I know you can't wait to see me. We'll paint the town red!

Babe: Yes babe...i can't wait. Just so you know..am on my period.

Guy: Ohhh sh*t i just ran into a pothole and all my 4 tyres exploded at once. I can't come again.

Babe: Ohh...can't you get a public transport or get a cab. You are very close.

Guy: I can't becos all thier tyres have exploded as well.

Babe: I am no longer on my period. I tot i was but it was just my pant running colours.

Guy: I think i can still make it....my tyres are all back in good conditions.

Health is wealth

I read a very sad news today about the passing away of a renown make-up artist who died as a result of complications after C-section.

I know the normal reaction of people would be that of shock; do people still die during or after C-section in this age and time with all the technological advancements?
Still in my state of shock, i thought about the several factors that could be involved in this shocking incident and decided to share.

- Ka sun ka ji, oore ofe ni. Never take anything for granted. Ile aye ti a wa yi sokunkun. We only talk about the things we see. So many things happen behind the scene- that is in the spiritual realm. There are so many things we can never find answers to, as to why they happen. Adura mi ni wipe aburu o ni kangun si wa.

- You can also blame the doctors for their incompetence or carelessness but before you do that, you might want to take a look at under what conditions they work.
Most of the clinics/hospitals are in abhorrent states. In some General hospitals, a youth corper is their resident doctor. No light, no equipments, no personnel, no ambulance.
I actually think doctors who rescue patients under these rotten conditions are miracle workers.
No wonder our politicians and elites in the society run abroad just to treat headache. Talaka o ri aye wa o.

- Lastly, the blame can sometimes be placed on the doorsteps of individuals. When a doctor carries out a test and advises on the course of treatment, people often times refuse and prefer to call their pastor, imam or herbalist. For example, a doctor says ''Madam, we'll have to do a CS because you cannot have a normal delivery''. The patient or her relative may refuse to give their consent, claiming ''i rebuke it...it is not our portion'' Not until when anointing oil and holy water have failed would they now agree that the doctor administers the treatment. Sometimes, it is too late to avoid the complications or salvage anything.
I am not condemning people who wants to exercise their faith, but do everything with sense. Pray and follow up with appropriate action. E ma gbagbe wipe Olorun naa lo fun awon onisegun oyinbo ni imo....so why are you refusing the solution He has provided? Don't delay or refuse treatment where you have access to one. It can be dangerous.

My speech cannot reverse what has happened. I only pray God to give the family of the deceased the fortitude to bear the loss.

The present menace: Bloggers

Na bloggers go finally set Nigeria on fire no be politicians.
These present day bloggers are evil. The way they fabricate lies sef dey fear satan. I dislike them so much!
Now we don move from 'i'm an actor/actress to i'm a musician ...now to i'm a blogger'. Why do we like to dey spoil everything na?

None of these foolish people have the passion or skill for blogging. They all flocked into it because of the money they can generate from adverts. Hence they'll write anything just to generate traffic to their lies-ridden sites.

See what is going on recently with OJB's donations. Somebody just wake up begin yern say d'banj donated N7m and the whole world dey pray for am. Can d'banj ever drop dat kain money? NEVER!!!
You guys are only creating confusion everywhere. Nomoreloss have been writing rebuttals on twitter to denounce all these false claims. D'banj did not donate N7m. Whizkid did not donate N3m. 2face did not donate N1.5m. Ini Edo did not donate N2m. Sooner or later, Nigerians will be calling for the head of Nomoreloss to come and account for this non-existing funds. Na so dem go damage the guy's reputation.
Also, 'public accountants' go don dey add up this money and literally genuine people willing to donate will keep their money once they think the amount needed have been realised. But na lie. Na so OJB no go get money to treat himself o.

Blogging....blogging....if you read grammer on some of these
sites sef you go just shake your head.
What is going on is a really sad development.

Isoro ilu yi po Olugbala gba wa o!!!!

How to become a celeb- Lecture 2b (Final part)

Part 2b- LIFESTYLE

Like i have earlier mentioned while introducing this section, this is where all the noise is. The only word i can use to qualify how you should behave here is NUISANCE. Do everything you can to be a public nuisance. That is the only way you can consistently be in the headline.

I'll give you a list of some of the demeaning behaviours you must constantly exhibit to stay relevant, but first let me tell you 2 most important steps you must take to solidify the foundation.

1. Get yourself atleast 2 bouncers. If you cannot afford the corporate ones, pick from the jobless boys who dey bend iron in your area. Package yourself well- they'll gladly want to be a celebrity bouncer. Wetin go cost you na money for okrika suits and shoes plus regular supply of weed and ogogoro. Promise them free regular VIP passes to A-listed events and even tell them if they behave well, they' travel with you to NY.
Having bouncers will allow you get away with so many of the atrocities you'll be committing. People go think twice before dem touch you.

2. You need to get a media hypeman. Don't fret, things are so easy now with almost everyone becoming a blogger. You don't need to pay a qualified journalist. Get a desperate blogger who can kill to have traffic on his/her blog to become your media aide. Make sure every little thing you do is in the news. Twitter, fb, instagram, gossipblogs etc. If u sneeze, make dem write am say u sneeze and a fan dey beg say make u allow her to lick your nose. Wow....see headline!!! You dey feel me?

So once you have these 2 things in place you can now start flexing.

Now you need to learn how to behave like a star.

- Be controversial. In your talk, behaviour, hangout etc. Find trouble, abuse people, diss other A-list celebrity.

- Even though you get house, pack and move into a club. Go from one to the other. Make sure you have personal keys to all the top clubs.

- Be reckless. Purposefully damage things. Slap people. Buy things and refuse to pay. Assault your female fans all in the name of being a celebrity. Make dem take pixs of you having sex with your female fans and post them online. If you get liver, release a sex-tape. To find oloso no be problem.
Get your blogger to lie about you in the news. Media houses will be falling over themselves to interview you to hear your own side of the story. At this point, make yourself unavailable- pretending to be busy. Make people so hungry for the interview. Then one day call the press and sell the story. No free interview o. SELL THE STORY. As you dey earn the money,dey blow am. No worry anoda one go come.

- Shows: Get late to shows. Keep dem waiting. This shows you are a big person. Big pple no dey arrive for appointment on time.
Get drunk and high to shows. Ordinary eye no fit face crowd. You need to be high to the point where you go dey see human beings like mosquito. No 4get ur sunglasses. It must be on.
I know you'll be wondering how you'll sing when you are high? Simple. Wetin you dey sing sef? No be your CD DJ dey play back to the crowd while you dey jump about? Na the pple wey pay money to come hear you go do the singing wey dey come hear na. You go just dey mention the first lines of the song and you point the mic to them to sing the rest. Na the time to comot your shirt be dis and reveal your torso. Move near make dem touch your body. Some no go bliv your 6packs if na e real....move near make dem count am.

For guys we no dey into guys...wey go don dey vex by now, just throw your jacket, shirt and belt(if e no cost) into the crowd for them make dem dey struggle with that one.
You leave the stage at this point. Show don end be dat.
Instead of going home, hit the club.
On your way from the club, get accident but make sure you no die. It's all to stay in the news.

- Taking photographs: This is another important aspect. You must learn all the finger signs. Always flash the latest sign for every picture.

- Most of the things in this section are repeated actions. Never leave the headline is the game here and you can only succeed in doing this by living on hypes.
If you buy jacket for Yaba for N4,000, multiply the money 3 times in $ and say na $12,000. Send a bottle of 501 to your blogger with a note saying 'A gift for you as i celebrate the purchase of my JONJO KOLASSI Magnum Jacket'. No need to put price. The desperate blogger when im don shack the 501 finish go write $21,000 for the price of the jacket and im go even say you buy 1st class ticket to go do measurement in Milan, add another 1st class ticket to go pick am up when e don ready. Before you say jack, other bloggers sef go carry the news and add their own join am. Na the only difference between a qualified journalist and all these desperate bloggers be dis. A qualified journalist will verify report before publishing.

- Change of team: Now when your profile don dey rise well, you need new faces around you. Starting from your girlfriend (one wey suffer with you when you get only 1 shirt) to your manager, producer and friends wey dey advise you rightly- they must all go! You don't need local people around you. You need rich friends. You need good looking people around you(no be pple wey una go do 3hrs photoshop on their pixs b4 dey look ok). You need a celebrity girlfriend. Scout private universities around, you go get a fresh blood for yourself. But make sure SHE IS YELLOW SKIN IF ATALL YOU CAN NOT GET A MIXED- RACE. Celebrities no dey black o. Na sign of sufferness and u fit dey loose shows- so u sef get to start to dey tone body to look fresh.

Awards: You seriously need lots of this to show you are relevant. The secret is this- YOU MUST BE READY TO BUY AWARDS. You must shell out big for this because e no dey come cheap. There so many people to settle- pressmen, djs, award organisers etc. No dey dere dey kid yourself say award na reward for talents o. Awards are to be bought!

- Charity: Try to dey do small small charity. But make it look big.
Gather money buy bag of rice cook for street urchins dem...and call the press on the day u dey go. When dem come pretend like say u no knw dem dey come. Infact tell dem not to capture the event and that u fit sue dem if you eventually read about it in the news.
That sort of attitude potrays you as a humble philantropist.
My guy, when appeal for huge donation arises, simply stay off the radar until the matter die down or the person wey dem.dey raise the money for kpeme.
After this, be the first to enter studio to do a tribute song.

- Last but no the least: My guy, you need to move closer to your ancestors. Enemies dey around wey no want you to succeed. You need to be traditionally strong. If you like call am juju.....but na spiritual protection me dey talk about. Make sure incisions dey compete with tattoo for your body. You need to insure yourself to survive.

Hype, hype and lots of hype is the game.

END OF LECTURE.

How to become a celeb- Lecture 2a

PART 2- THE LOOK

This is the second part of my lecture on how to rise fast to the top in the industry. In the previous lecture, we discussed important elements of the SONG, today i'll be talking on the STYLE and LIFESTYLE. After your song is out, you need to focus on these two important aspects to further raise your profile.

STYLE:
- You need to create a distinct look for yourself. You cannot look ordinary and expect people to look your side o. E no dey work like dat. Your look is actually the starting point.

*Hairstyle: You need a wierd hairstyle. Take your time, think very well and come up with a hairstyle nobody has ever done before. Make it very strange.

*6 packs: Listen, you cannot make it in this industry without 6packs. For the ladies, you MUST know how PACK.
Look it's not what you do in the studio that matters o...it's your pack. If success in the industry is judged by one's voice, dat GT guy wey dey carry guiter around no suppose still dey waka about for Amuwa Odofin. Na dem type suppose dey ride bugatti bcos dem get the talent but you see it does not work like dat. 6packs/packing the rack is very important.

*Clothes: This is another major selling point and you need to create a buzz with this. Tamper with colour blocking. Wear leather jacket in 42degrees. Wear raincoat in dry season. Wear jungle boot on suit. Wear ladies blouse. Head warmern in the sun. Hoodie jumpers in the scotching heat. Your trouser must not stay for your waistline o. Drop it as low as you can. So when you walk, you walk like a kingkong. Buy ones wey u fit. Borrow from friends wey sabi keep secret. Make friends with boutique owners to borrow clothes. Package yourself as a star and approach upcoming fashion labels to dash you clothes and shoes. Some of dem mumu, they bliv say when pple see their clothes for your body thier sales will shoot up. Capitalise on this...ur wardrobe go full.

* Sunglasses- Buy as many as you can. Different shapes, colours, sizes. Wear them 24-7. It must not leave your face o. Na how to know a celebrity be dat- dem know dey see their face.

Wristwatches: Same as sunglasses. You need to invest on this. But make sure all na Rolex (fake i mean). Wear 2 or 3 at the same time. Na d reason why God give you 2 hands be dat. If anybody ask you why u dey wear 3 watches at the same time, tell dem say each watch dey tell time for different geographical locations because you travel alot. You go see your profile shoot up.

*Tattoo: No tattoo, No shows. No shows, No endorsement. No endorsements, No money o.
You must put tattoo for every available space on your body. E dey pain i know but remember, no pain, no gain. Things you go write no need make any sense...just write dem bold. Let dem look like scars on your body. No do dose nice lettering ones o. Those ones na for ajebuta pikins dem. You wan show say you hard...so you need to dig your skin well.

*Blings: Whether you go rent, steal or kill....you need to get BLINGS. You must wear as many as you can on your neck at once. The more you wear, the more your profile is rising. Bling up so tey the kabiyesi for your town go loose im respect. Pple go begin hail you as royal.
Now these things cost but you don't need to wear the original. Dog chain, bicycle chain, rosaries, dat chain wey dey hold bath tub stopper...all these things they work just make sure you paint them gold and get pendants for each 1 of dem.
No blings, no respect.

*Rides: This one na the ultimate. Whether you go give contracts to armed robbers to help you steal o, or you go get one on hire purchase, or you go make friend with a dealer or find sugar mummy wey get plenty...i don't care. All i know is dat you need plenty rides. No be dem Toyota avensis or Nissan i dey talk o. Those ones no be motor o...na dose ones replace okada wey dem ban o. You need machines like Porsche, Range, Bently, G-wagon. And you need each one of dem customised. Put ya own plate number. Let pple sabi you at a glance!

(Stay tuned on this page for the part 2b- LIFESTLYE. Na here all the noise dey o. You must be loud, controversial and always stay on the headline).

How to become a Celeb- Lecture 1

Are you an aspiring pop-star?
Have you released singles upon singles yet you are not breaking into stardom?
Do you want your album to go platinum?

If you belong to any of these categories, i bring you good news. There is a way out. I will give you tutorials on this page on how to break into the no.1 spot.

Part 1: THE SONG

Simply include the following lines in your songs lobatan!

- Give it to me
- Wind am for me
- Go down low
- Dulling or no dulling (depending)
- Maga
- Counting money
- Ibadi e
- Dat thing
- Enemy
- You got me crazy
- Champagne
- Moet
- Henessy
- High
- Baby
- Bentley
- I like wetin i dey see
- I got money
- Enter club
- I don blow
- Haters
- Mention the name of your producer
- Mention your record label
- Mention your name (actually start with this. Won o ni gb'ogo e fun anoda pelzon o).

Now, this is the joker. Coin a meaningless word that'll become a slang. E.g Alingo. Use it as the main hook in the song.
If you can't find any, just cough 3 times ask d producer to add effect to the cough. O d'obe niyen.

If any of the above is missing, people no go buy your record o. Nkan ti awon aye fe gbo niyen o.

If after doing this some 'bad belle' people wey dey always form 'i too know' begin criticize your songs, tell dem to hug transformer (dat na even if light dey sef)...just tell dem say u no do the song for them. Tell dem say na CLUB BANGER.

(Stay tuned on this page for lecture 2-YOUR IMAGE. This focuses on how you should look and carry yourself.)